It’s taking a lot of willpower to write this post. I’ve been turning the idea around and around in my head and I think I need to reach out a hand.
I don’t know if anyone is reading this. I don’t know if they care. But, I have to be truthful and get this out. This is really personal and I know it.
On my ‘about me’ page I talked briefly about how I had an eating disorder for a few months– and that “I feel ready to put it all behind me.” Not so. Lately thoughts of losing weigh, inadequacies in my body, and food intake have traveled more and more into my thoughts. I do regular body checks in the mirror, unsatisfied mostly. Counting calories is a normal thing. There are other things, too: pinching the little layer of fat around my tummy, crying when I am really full, and scolding myself about food. I suppose I am subconsciously restricting food and feel guilty eating what I think is “more that I should.” Last night (still at Grandma’s house) I binged on about 600 calories worth of (low-fat) brownies, feeling guilty the whole time I was doing it but unable to withhold myself. That doesn’t happen ever, and I can’t believe I did it. After I stopped myself I was so full but I felt ready to break free. I was inspired and ready to recover myself. I didn’t wake up feeling that way.
I keep hoping the thoughts will go away. One part of me (lets call it B) knows this is dangerous, the part being shoved into the back of my mind. B knows that these thoughts are unnecessary. The eating disorder part of me (let’s call it ED) wants to push itself into overdrive and believes that when I’m “perfectly thin” I will be happy and able to go on with my life. B is planning this post to reach out for help, and ED is meanwhile planning how to lose the last 1-2 pounds.
I know that no one can change my inside feelings and thoughts, but some help and guidance would be nice. There’s only so much a mom can do! I don’t know if this will go anywhere, or if anyone will read this. I know I need to go a lot of the way in terms of recovery, and I want to do it. Yet at the same ED doesn’t want to—it wants to wait until I’ve lost the weight. I keep playing out the whole anorexia story in my head: I restrict food intake and I lose the weight. Then help comes, I recover, and I have the body ED lusts for. But that IS NOT how it would play out—and B knows it!
I know this is super personal and I’m sorry if that’s not what you read this blog for. I will go back to normal posting after this. If you have anything to say, please leave a comment in the comment section. I hope I’m not alone and don’t make a fool of myself.